Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
zippers are such a cool invention
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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