The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
