im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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