White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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