3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
