god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize