just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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