his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
