you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
