NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
