No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
