his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
