I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
