the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
