Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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