chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
