As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
