Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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