Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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