I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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