Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
