I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
