It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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