DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
