Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize