whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
