When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
