We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
