Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
