apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
