dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
