I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
