I accidentally burped into my bong.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
