Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Umm I'm too high to move.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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