i need an iv and a liver transplant
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
