I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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