my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
