I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i dont even know how to be here
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
