I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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