so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
