Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
