I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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