I want to make a zoo with you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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