you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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