May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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