I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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