i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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