i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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