he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
