The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
