I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
