I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
two words: eviction party
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
