There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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