seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
