The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
