i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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