there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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