I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
