Jerry, you need to find god
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The Olympian is in my bed
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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